Why this book exists
“The Avoidant Code” came out of one observation. On avoidant attachment there is either academic literature almost nobody reads, or advice books that shorten the pattern to “he is incapable of commitment”. The book in between was missing: one that takes the research seriously and still writes in the language of a conversation between friends.
It is deliberately not addressed to the avoidant partner but to the person who loves them. That is the person who suffers, who goes looking for answers, and who is the only one who can actually change something: in themselves.
The series
“The Avoidant Code” is available in seven languages. Several further volumes deepen one section of the dynamic each, among them one on how the pattern feels from the inside, one on telling avoidant attachment apart from narcissism, and one on the anxious side. Those have so far appeared in German.
The research behind it
Every central concept in the books and on this site comes from attachment research rather than from personal opinion. The main references:
- John Bowlby, attachment theory, the secure base, the internal working model
- Mary Ainsworth, the Strange Situation and the three basic patterns
- Cindy Hazan & Phillip Shaver, attachment in adulthood (1987)
- Kim Bartholomew & Leonard Horowitz, the four-category model (1991), the basis for telling dismissive from fearful avoidance
- Mario Mikulincer & Phillip Shaver, hyperactivating and deactivating strategies
- Sue Johnson, emotionally focused therapy, the pursue-withdraw dynamic
Every guide on this site lists its own sources at the end. Where a claim is contested or not conclusively established, the text says so.
What this book cannot do
This book is not a substitute for therapy and not a set of instructions for changing another person. It helps with understanding, with steadying yourself and with deciding. If a relationship is leading into depression, anxiety or despair, that needs professional support, and no book replaces it.
Attachment styles are tendencies, not boxes, and no person fits entirely into a model. That stance runs through the whole book. Anyone looking for a method to reprogram a partner will not find one here, deliberately.
If you are struggling right now: Samaritans 116 123 in the UK and Ireland (free, 24/7), or 988 by call or text in the US. National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 in the UK, 1-800-799-7233 in the US. In an emergency, your local emergency number.
What you will find here
The knowledge base on this site is the free companion to the book. The overview is the place to start: avoidant attachment, signs, causes and how to respond. To place yourself, there are eight questions in the attachment style test. All guides, split by the two perspectives, are in the index.
Contact
For press enquiries, review copies and feedback on the book: bleibverbunden@gmail.com. Full provider identification in the imprint.